Objectifying Men: Mandalay Bay Fail #1

Mandalay Bay Fail #1

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I'm writing this from the Mandalay Bay parking garage. I was supposed to get laid here (at the hotel, not in the parking garage), but it didn't really work out that way. Now I'm sobering up in my car, while I write this and try to figure out where the evening went wrong (the shorter version would be figuring out what went right).

It started this afternoon with a few tinder messages. He was 21, ripped, and dark... according to his profile. And he leaves town tomorrow. In light of the time crunch, I decided to forego some of my usual procedures (such as asking for a dick pic). Perhaps this was the first mistake. As we all know, I use that request to screen for small dicks and prudes.

So I told him I could meet him at his hotel at 4:30pm, since I had dinner plans at 6:30pm. I just assumed that he understood it was for sex. Perhaps assuming was my second mistake.

I packed up lube, a change of underwear, and condoms (of various sizes) and headed toward the hotel.

When I arrived (at 4:30… because I’m a functional adult), he told me he was at New York, New York Hotel (down the strip), but that he would ride the tram back to Mandalay Bay. Seriously?? So I took a shot (or 3) of vodka from the half gallon in my trunk and decided to wait.

I finally met him at the tram station at 4:50. I wasn't convinced he was as ripped as his pictures indicated. Furthermore, he couldn't have been more than 5'11". I was not amused.

Whatever. He looked like he would have a big dick, and I was already there.

"Let's go up to your room; I have to leave in an hour," I said as I tried to keep the annoyance out of my voice.

"Oh, well I don't have the room key,” he replied. "My roommate does."

"So what did you think we were going to do?" I asked dryly. Keeping the anger out of my voice was becoming more of a challenge now.

"Well, I don't know... maybe hang out first."

"But I have plans at 6:30," I replied slowly.

"Yeah me too! I'm going to Benni Hana." he said, sounding very excited for his upcoming weird sushi experience.

I laughed (genuinely) and started walking back toward the parking garage.

He walked with me in silence for a few minutes.

"So what kind of car do you have?” he asked.

“No.” I already knew what he was thinking. For so many reasons… no!

"Why not?"

So I laid it out for him in a list:

1. My Accord is too small

2. My Accord is full of clothes, shoes, and books (because I am a slob).

3. My Accord has cloth seats

4. I am not getting banned from this casino (and every other casino owned by MGM)

"Well, how about outside the car?" he tried.

“No.” But that did make me laugh.

We finally reached my car. He got into the passenger seat of my filthy Accord and we sat in silence.

"Would it be too much to ask for a blow job?" he asked suddenly.

“Yes, it would be too much.” I replied dryly.

"What about a hand job?"

I started laughing... not really at him, but more like at my life. I couldn't stop laughing.

"I'll bet you have a really wet pussy,” he said, seemingly unfazed by my laughter. "Do you?"

I replied that I didn't really know, as I didn't have anything to compare it to.

"Well can I feel it?" he asked.

"I'm going to go now." I said.

He remained still while I stared at him.

After almost a minute of awkward silence, he said goodbye and exited the car, telling me he would be free later and to text him.

That will literally never happen... and not just because the air force guy is coming over (which I am looking forward to).

So now I am sitting in my Accord. In a parking garage. With a purse full of lube.