I'm writing this from the Mandalay Bay parking garage. I was supposed to get laid here (at the hotel, not in the parking garage), but it didn't really work out that way. Now I'm sobering up in my car, while I write this and try to figure out where the evening went wrong (the shorter version would be figuring out what went right).

It started this afternoon with a few tinder messages. He was 21, ripped, and dark... according to his profile. And he leaves town tomorrow. In light of the time crunch, I decided to forego some of my usual procedures (such as asking for a dick pic). Perhaps this was the first mistake. As we all know, I use that request to screen for small dicks and prudes.

So I told him I could meet him at his hotel at 4:30pm, since I had dinner plans at 6:30pm. I just assumed that he understood it was for sex. Perhaps assuming was my second mistake.

I packed up lube, a change of underwear, and condoms (of various sizes) and headed toward the hotel.

When I arrived (at 4:30… because I’m a functional adult), he told me he was at New York, New York Hotel (down the strip), but that he would ride the tram back to Mandalay Bay. Seriously?? So I took a shot (or 3) of vodka from the half gallon in my trunk and decided to wait.

I finally met him at the tram station at 4:50. I wasn't convinced he was as ripped as his pictures indicated. Furthermore, he couldn't have been more than 5'11". I was not amused.

Whatever. He looked like he would have a big dick, and I was already there.

"Let's go up to your room; I have to leave in an hour," I said as I tried to keep the annoyance out of my voice.

"Oh, well I don't have the room key,” he replied. "My roommate does."

"So what did you think we were going to do?" I asked dryly. Keeping the anger out of my voice was becoming more of a challenge now.

"Well, I don't know... maybe hang out first."

"But I have plans at 6:30," I replied slowly.

"Yeah me too! I'm going to Benni Hana." he said, sounding very excited for his upcoming weird sushi experience.

I laughed (genuinely) and started walking back toward the parking garage.

He walked with me in silence for a few minutes.

"So what kind of car do you have?” he asked.

“No.” I already knew what he was thinking. For so many reasons… no!

"Why not?"

So I laid it out for him in a list:
1. My Accord is too small
2. My Accord is full of clothes, shoes, and books (because I am a slob).
3. My Accord has cloth seats
4. I am not getting banned from this casino (and every other casino owned by MGM)

"Well, how about outside the car?" he tried.

“No.” But that did make me laugh.

We finally reached my car. He got into the passenger seat of my filthy Accord and we sat in silence.

"Would it be too much to ask for a blow job?" he asked suddenly.

“Yes, it would be too much.” I replied dryly.

"What about a hand job?"

I started laughing... not really at him, but more like at my life. I couldn't stop laughing.

"I'll bet you have a really wet pussy,” he said, seemingly unfazed by my laughter. "Do you?"

I replied that I didn't really know, as I didn't have anything to compare it to.

"Well can I feel it?" he asked.

 "I'm going to go now." I said.

 He remained still while I stared at him.

 After almost a minute of awkward silence, he said goodbye and exited the car, telling me he would be free later and to text him.

 That will literally never happen... and not just because the air force guy is coming over (which I am looking forward to).
So now I am sitting in my Accord. In a parking garage. With a purse full of lube.
I'm going to start this by saying that I was already irritated that I had to drive to the strip to meet this guy. However, he assured me that he had a room at the Aria that we could use. That didn't exactly end up being true... but more about that later.

When I arrived, he was still at the nightclub. I asked him to come out and meet me, and told him I would be standing at the only pastry shop in the casino (which is like 20 ft away from the nightclub).

I waited there, standing alone at a closed bakery shop (like a jackass) for at least 10 minutes before I gave him a call.

"I am the only 6-ft tall blonde wearing a pink skirt who is standing outside the pastry shop."

"Oh I think I see you. Turn around."

So I turned around and tried to smile, even though I hated him already.

"Oh ok. Now walk forward," he said.

So I walked forward, thinking he was guiding me to him.

"Now walk backward."

"Are you fucking kidding me??" I whisper-yelled into the phone. "Come over here right now!"

"Oh, ok, I'll come over."

When he walked up and said hello, it was apparent that he was at least 3 inches shorter than he had told me. Bullshit!

But I was already there, and the dick pic he sent was really appealing... so I told him we would go right up to his room.

On the way there, he took the opportunity to ask me everything about everything, starting with how I liked living in Vegas. He then started asking me about my hopes and dreams, which I just laughed at.

When we finally got down the hallway, he swiped his room key and stepped in. Just as quickly, he backed out of it and closed the door. So we were both standing in the hallway again...

"What's the problem?" I asked in the nicest voice I could muster. 

"Oh, well I think my roommate might be in there," he answered as though it was legit.

"Well... will you find out please?" I asked through clenched teeth.

"Well we could just, you know, go in the bathroom," he suggested.

 Really??? You would think I would be used to their stupid shenanigans by now... but apparently not.

"I'm not having sex with you in a bathroom," I replied, exasperated.

"Oh no," he said condescendingly, "you don't understand; the Aria has really nice bathrooms."

Actually, this is true. I knew this from my many experiences sleeping with men who were staying there. 

 In the interest of full disclosure, I have fooled around with a guy in the shower there... but that guy was hotter and taller than this one. And, the action did not stay in the bathroom.

"No."

"Why not?" he asked as though I was being unreasonable in my demands.

"Because I don't have anonymous sex in bathrooms.. because I'm not a truck-stop hooker."

"Well just come in and see the bathroom." As though being bent over a marble sink would make all the difference over a composite one.

"Yeah... no. I can't handle this. I should just go."

"So you need a bed?" he said with a smirk, as though I had just made a Beyonce-esque request for 1000-count satin sheets and down-feather pillows.

"Yes, and don't act like that is unreasonable."

 Fucking prick.

"Ok, well what if we used the bed and my roommate turned around?"

"You mean like if he faced the wall? Like a children's time-out?"

 If he had looked like Terrell Owens, I would have helped him brainstorm solutions. But no. 

"No," I added, just in case he didn't pickup on my horrified sarcasm.

"So, what about the bathroom?" he tried.

"I'm leaving."

"No, don't leave. You can't leave. I'm already hard."

"I don't care."

I started to walk away and he grabbed my wrist.

"You can't leave yet."

I pulled by arm away, screamed at him, and stormed away down the hall.

 Then I texted Dr. Big Dick and made arrangements for 45 minutes later.
So... tonight I slept with a guy I haven't slept with for a few months. I remembered that he had a great dick and great abs, but I had forgotten that he was deathly afraid of house cats. More on this later. 

Apparently I had forgotten quite a bit about him, unfortunately only remembering the most important details (nice body and the big dick). He is in the Air Force here locally, which is practically a guarantee of a nice body. 

However, I had forgotten just how much he talks. He talks about himself... He talks to himself... And he asks me stupid questions. Like really stupid questions. So I know that "there are no stupid questions..." so let's just say that he asked me very childlike questions.

For example: "Did you move?" 


"Did I live here when you came over for sex last time?" I asked with a straight face.

"No."

"Then yes, I did move."

"Oh. Is that why there are moving boxes here?"

Seriously??? I can't even...

"Did you miss me?" he asked. 

I stared at him blankly.

"Probably not as much as I missed you," he added. This made it even more awkward. 

He also wanted to kiss me on the mouth (which I hate).


Not that this was shocking to me, but I was annoyed when he asked me to have sex without a condom. He had already asked me via text message if he could not use a condom. To which I responded:

"Laughing my fucking ass off." 

I didn't even abbreviate. I literally spelled it out for him. I figured that he should know that I was literally laughing my fucking ass off at his stupid fucking question. The question could've also been phrased, "Do you think you'd like to get herpes and pregnant today?" 

As tempting as that was, I declined (rudely... because WTF).

Once he got naked, I remembered why I enjoyed sleeping with him. 

However, during foreplay and sex, he started fishing for compliments. Such as "I like how big my dick looks in your hand." 

I responded, "I also like how big your dick looks in my hand." This was definitely one of the more awkward things I've said during sex... but certainly not the worst.

While the sex itself was pretty good, I had to keep giving him explicit instructions, such as "Please don't pull out so far; that's going to end badly." I almost told him that that's how it happened that he accidentally stuck it in my ass last time… However I wasn't 100% sure that that was him, so I elected to leave that part out.

After sex, he took forever and a day to put his clothes back on. It was like he was layering for fall. I didn't know that that was a thing that straight guys did a lot of. It would've been like the world's longest game of strip poker to play with him. Not that I ever would non-sexually recreate with him...

As it turns out, he is also very afraid of cats. Since I have two, this made the evening more entertaining for me. He was especially afraid of my smaller cat. She chased him around my living room at a walking pace. To put this in perspective, he is a 6'4" ripped military man. And she is an 11 lb long-haired puffball who could only be considered medium-sized because of her moderate obesity. 

She waddled after him, probably hoping for petting, and he tried to keep his composure as he tried to outpace her (which wasn't hard, on account of the fact that she was walking). She "chased" him around the living room several times, down the hall, through the kitchen, and back to the living room. And then around again in the living room a few times. I let this go on for at least a minute before picking her up so he could flee.

Why was he afraid of my sweet little house cat?

Well... when I asked him why, he said somberly, "they jump up and scratch you." 

I asked him why he thought that was the case with all cats, and he responded, "I saw it on Tumblr."

 I still can't even.

I told him I would walk him out.
This story could accurately be called “The Most Confusing Sexual Encounter of My Life.”

It all started out so simply. While on a volunteering-related trip to the “Biggest Little City” with a friend, I made a few arrangements for men to meet me at my hotel, the first of which being arguably the most disastrous.

I should have known this would end poorly by the way he was texting me the entire day, and mentioning how he just got out of a serious relationship. He also insisted that he would have to sleep there in my hotel room so as to make it to his sports practice in the morning (which I reluctantly agreed to). Worst of all, the dick pic that he sent wasn’t very clear or revealing! These were just a few of the red flags that I chose to ignore in light of his college-athlete body and willingness to deliver himself to my hotel.

He told me that he would like to come over earlier rather than later, as he had practice in the morning. Unfortunately for him, my rental minivan (a silver Chrysler Town & Country) had to be serviced prior to renting, and then my friend and I elected to go through the (slowest ever) Taco Bell drive thru… as though eating Taco Bell directly before sex has ever ended well for me (or my hookup du jour).

I finally met him on the roof of the Harrah’s parking garage (I do realize how unappealing that sounds). I then made him wait in the back of my Chrysler Town & Country while my friend and I ate our (sub-par at best) Taco Bell. It was fairly awkward... and part of me loved that.

Once I finished eating and checked into my hotel room (which got two double beds!), I left him in my room to go attend an official event party in the hotel. It was certainly a risk leaving a stranger with all of my belongings. However, I don’t have anything worth stealing (which is a separate problem I should address at some point).

When I returned to my room, he was sleeping in one of the beds. Since there were two beds, I figured one would be for me to sleep in, and the other would be for sex/making him sleep in.

I decided to shower before waking him, and a quick washing of my PTA (Pussy, Tits, and Ass) would do.

“How about I just go down on you tonight, and we can have sex tomorrow night?” he offered groggily when I came out of the bathroom.

“No thank you,” I replied. Not only do I never prefer cunnilingus to sex, but I also still had parasites from my recent trip to South America… so I thought it would be nice of me to not risk transmission. Furthermore morning sex is not a thing that appeals to me often.

I didn’t waste any time in getting on top of him and trying to take his clothes off. He resisted. I argued. He argued back.

I finally prevailed, only to find a small dick. Alright, so it was probably 6 inches long, but it wasn’t particularly girthy either. And his extra-large stature made the situation appear even more minuscule.

“Damn!” I thought to myself, “I should have asked for another dick pic. Oh well. He is here. I can work with 6 inches. It is certainly not going on my mouth though.”

“Hey, will you put it in your mouth?” he asked with impeccable timing.

“No,” I said, neglecting to mention that it was because it was unappealingly small.

“Come on, can I get some head?”

“No…” I said slowly, trying to think of a reason that would sound plausible and not hurt his feelings.

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to,” I said unapologetically, deciding that I didn’t need a reason or owe him an explanation.

He then tried to kiss my face. I hate that. I turned away and asked him where his condoms were.

He finally put on his (regular-sized) condom and I put lube on it (which I probably didn’t need in light of his lack of girth). He stuck it in and I started to try to figure out how I was going to make this work for me.

I wondered how much the pay-per-view porn might be. That could have added a little more ambiance to the space… However, the non-profit was paying for my room, and I decided it was best to not risk having to explain the charge.

I was still musing about whether or not I could put the charge on my credit card at checkout when he suddenly pulled out and rolled over.

“What the hell?” I demanded.

“I’m tired. And this way, you will have to come back for more tomorrow night.”

That is, most certainly, not how that works.

I felt the anger well up inside of me.

“I won't be doing that,” I said (through gritted teeth) as I got up and moved to the other bed.

I proceeded to touch myself (while I glared at him) until I came. He watched silently from the other bed like a scared little boy.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I got up and headed back into the shower, hoping he would be gone by the time I emerged. No such luck. And he wasn’t even asleep! Apparently, he was waiting for me to come back so that he could start a serious (but unrelated to his craven performance) conversation with me.

“So where in Vegas do you live?” he asked, and followed up with mention of how frequently he visits Las Vegas… as though I would have any desire to repeat the train wreck of an experience I had just endured (and was still enduring).

He went on to talk about his education, his small business, his travels, and even his family while I stared at him in disbelief. He then asked me about the Las Vegas real estate market. I answered him as briefly as I could without being a total bitch.

He finally announced that he was going to go to sleep… but not before adjusting my thermostat.

“Seriously?” I asked rhetorically. “This is MY hotel room.”

“Well I was doing you a favor,” he replied. “Your REM cycles will be better if you sleep with the ambient temperature low.”

I wanted to punch him in his smug face. I didn’t, but I wanted to.

Of course he began to snore loudly as soon as he fell asleep. It sounded like a bulldozer being operated by a man whistling a tune poorly.

“Maybe someday, I will learn not to ignore a ridiculous number of red flags,” I thought as I finally managed to drift off to sleep.
In case you didn't read the sidebar, titled "purpose:"

My raison d’etre is to bring about social equality. For women (such as myself), that means being empowered and empowering other women. There are so many aspects of our lives in which we can practice this, but I choose to focus on our sexuality, because it is a particular passion of mine.

Men have been objectifying us for thousands of years. So why are we so late to the party?

I enjoy sex (a lot), and I think you should too. I respect myself (a lot), and I think you should too. I would like to show you what this looks like for me. I will not embellish nor exclude any significant details, no matter how private social norms say they should be.

It is time for women to step into the light, and start living every day exactly the way we desire. We no longer have to live under the thumb of a man. Nor do we have to live in his shadow. We will only live under the weight of his scrutiny so long as we allow ourselves to.

Our self-worth is in no way determined by the opinions of men (or anyone else, for that matter), but by our own opinions of ourselves. No longer will our bodies be subjected to scrutiny, without scrutiny in return. No longer will a man with a child-sized penis feel that he has any ground to stand on when making disparaging remarks about a woman’s body. Fuck him and his little penis. We are strong, and we are worthy.

So please come back every Monday for a new story!
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ABOUT ME

Empowered female.

PURPOSE

My raison d’etre is to bring about social equality. For women, such as myself, that means being empowered and empowering other women. There are so many aspects of our lives in which we can practice this, but I choose to focus on our sexuality, because it is a particular passion of mine. Men have been objectifying us for thousands of years. So why are we so late to the party? I enjoy sex (a lot), and I think you should too. I respect myself (a lot), and I think you should too. I would like to show you what this looks like for me. I will not embellish nor exclude any significant details, no matter how private social norms say they should be. It is time for women to step into the light, and start living every day exactly the way we desire. We no longer have to live under the thumb of a man. Nor do we have to live in his shadow. We will only live under the weight of his scrutiny so long as we allow ourselves to. Our self-worth is in no way determined by the opinions of men (or anyone else, for that matter), but by our own opinions of ourselves. No longer will our bodies be subjected to scrutiny, without scrutiny in return. No longer will a man with a child-sized penis feel that he has any ground to stand on when making disparaging remarks about a woman’s body. Fuck him and his little penis. We are strong, and we are worthy. We don't need permission.

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